At the start of every year, it’s customary to predict the future. What will happen in Laguna Beach in 2023? Well, it’s safe to say the issues will involve tourists, parking and politics. With that in mind, here are 10 “predictions,” which are more like exasperated suggestions. If nothing else, we hope they are mildly entertaining.
- Reach 7 million tourists
Why stop at the dubious 6 million mark when you can have 7 million tourists visit Laguna Beach every year? Then we can surpass the Eiffel Tower. We have said for years that there’s no way 6 million people visit Laguna annually. We’ve done the math, and it doesn’t add up – not by a long shot. But hey, let’s just keep the lie going and make it even better: 7 million or bust!
- Build a damn parking structure
Of course, if we really get 6 million visitors, it’s fair to ask where they park since there are only about 3,500 total parking spaces in the city. Maybe Irvine Spectrum and then they take the shuttle? Oh wait, no one takes that shuttle…. Everyone knows parking is a perennial problem in Laguna. So just build another parking structure – or three. We know it won’t solve all the parking issues, but it will help. Last weekend, we visited Heisler Park. It was a cold, winter Sunday, and there was no parking. Every spot along Cliff Drive was full. We had to park across PCH in a neighborhood, which was also packed. As a reminder, parking comes from the word “park,” which is a four-letter word.
- Charge interlopers
Numerous circulation studies have shown that the traffic in Laguna is not our own. For example, 60% of all the traffic in Laguna Canyon is pass-through traffic and does not stop in Laguna Beach. On Coast Highway, the percentage is even higher. So why should Laguna residents suffer gridlock from outsiders? We say charge a toll. Use those license plate readers and charge, say, $5 to drive through Laguna – each way. Use that money to take control of Coast Highway from Caltrans, then redesign the hell out of it to make it a commuter’s nightmare. The result? No more useless traffic in Laguna.
- Use new tolls to underground utilities
While we are redesigning Coast Highway, underground the utilities – everywhere. Forget having to rely on outside grants. Let’s just rely on the interlopers.
- Shame reef violators with TikTok videos
It doesn’t take 6 million visitors to ruin a good reef. It just takes one idiot. It’s no secret that tourists often show little respect for the reefs. They trample, steal and violate without remorse. Why do you think we have docents? On paper, they are tasked with educating the masses. But we think they should be allowed to carry tasers. Then, when the offending interloper is writhing face down in a tide pool learning a hard lesson, the docent can video the whole thing and post it on TikTok. That’s how we slay in Laguna Beach.
- Convert closed businesses into multifamily housing
Vacancies are at an all-time high. So let’s just stop with the overpriced business rents. Instead, we can have overpriced housing. At least then we won’t have to suffer through another bad glass of $18 chardonnay. Turn some of these businesses into mixed-use sites. Bust open the rafters, allow some creatives to redecorate, then sit back and watch the downtown come alive.
- Limit city meetings to two hours
City meetings are painful to watch, even on Zoom. Way too long, way too boring. Take a cue from business and cut to the chase. Put strict time limits on each issue. We already have the staff report before the meeting, so why spend 30 minutes going through it again? Just read the damn report, ask a question or two, then make a decision. And what to do with public testimony? Guess we can’t eliminate it (even though most of it is redundant at best and cringe-worthy at worst). So force written responses. The best comments will be excerpted in the meeting. Ideally, we get Jason Feddy to turn them into a song, like he used to do with the police blotter.
- Limit city projects to two weeks – or a three-minute video
We are never going to get young people into government if we have projects that last two years with a report that spans 1,476 pages. Good lord. In the world of ADHD, most people nowadays start to lose interest at the three-minute mark. And who can blame them? It takes a lot of insight and discipline to create something meaningful in only three minutes. Be creative, be bold. Stop printing hefty reports that just sit on a shelf.
- Allow food trucks
Truth bomb: The restaurant scene in Laguna is mediocre. Spice it up with nimble young chefs who are making a name for themselves. Allow food trucks now. It doesn’t have to be in one location. There are suitable pockets throughout town. Maybe start them on First Thursday Art Walk nights, then allow them through the following weekend. Whatever works. But right now, it’s not working.
- Allow beach drinking
That sound you just heard was the exploding minds of Laguna’s puritans. Hear us out. Admittedly, the U.S. is anal when it comes to drinking in public. But there are exceptions. In Las Vegas, the strip is an “Entertainment District,” which means you can drink while watching the intoxicating water fountain show at the Bellagio. New Orleans is another. Of course, several international countries allow it. And you can drink on some California beaches, including Descanso Beach on Catalina Island, Carmel Beach, Paradise Cove in Malibu, and Kehoe Beach in Point Reyes. So why not Laguna? With our 6 million tourists (which doesn’t quite beat Vegas but is still worth a toast), we are certainly an Entertainment District, are we not? Look, it’s not the drinking that’s the problem, it’s the potential bad behavior. So penalize the behavior, not the law-abiding citizens who just want a pina colada while playing backgammon on the sand.
