There are road signs and then there are Laguna Beach road signs.
At every entrance to the city, electronic billboards flash public service announcements. Normally, these signs alert people to possible flooding or other important warnings. But here is what they really say if you play them backwards.
Over the last few weeks, I spent more time than I care to admit standing in front of the signs writing down all of the hidden messages.
So in the spirit of helping you keep your eyes on the road, here they are in one big list. Of course, I’m a terrible notetaker but enjoy.
- Watch for PEDs in crosswalks. If you do hit a PED, please pull off to the side of the road so you don’t block traffic.
- Going to the beach? Use the Jack-in-the-Box restroom (because the good beaches don’t have any).
- Park between white lines — even if it’s impossible — or else the Parking Police will slash your tires or fine you, whichever is easier.
- Staying at an Airbnb? Call 911 before you leave and complain about your neighbors.
- Sorry, no more artists allowed — not enough affordable housing.
- Daytripper fees: $100 per person, except if you live in one of the many inland subdivisions with “Laguna” in the name.
- No loud noises allowed, except from motorcycles, leaf blowers and $1 million supercars.
- No pop-up businesses allowed, unless you’re posing as out-of-town beggars.
- BTW, we can erect this sign anywhere at any time without your permission, but businesses cannot erect their own signs.
- No fishing, taking of shells or touching marine life. In fact, don’t do anything at the beach because we’re tired of picking up your trash.
- No drones allowed, but you can fly personal helicopters at any height. Low-level military maneuvers are also allowed.
- If you are flying a fixed-wing float plane, try not to hit a sea lion. You can hit tourists if you like.
- If you’re looking for reasonably priced restaurants, please turn around now. Try Irvine, Newport Beach, Dana Point — basically anywhere else in Southern California. Same goes for any kind of discount store. We don’t do that.
- If traffic is backed up to this sign, best you just turn around now and go see a movie or something. We’re full and a little cranky.
- Driving around the block in circles looking for parking is encouraged.
- There’s no tree cutting — unless you file the paperwork first, which is pretty easy.
- On the Fourth of July, we recommend sneaking into Emerald Bay. The fireworks are better.
- Hey you, on the bicycle — yeah-no … you might want to rethink that.
- Watch out for falling power lines. If one does fall, please do not try to tap into it for free Cox cable. That would violate monopoly cable rules.
- We know we have a lot of festival traffic. That’s why we crammed the festivals together in a bottlenecked canyon with little off-site parking. What’s your point?
- Restaurant tip: We only have one Chinese restaurant but 47 juicy-bar-acai-turbo-fiber-vegan-paleo places. So there’s that.
- If you’re one of those out-of-control downhill mountain biking thrill riders, we give up. Go ahead and do what you want. Just try to avoid hitting the residents on the trails. Tourists are OK.
- Crosswalk education for tourists: Green means go, red means stop. We know it’s hard.
- If you’re here for Art Walk, the rule of thumb is: Buy one painting for each glass of wine.
- Thank you for visiting, now go home with an “I ♥ Laguna” T-shirt — our specialty.
